Scapegoat.

Scaaaapegoat.

Scaaaaaaaaapegoat.

My research study

Directions: Please only fill this study out if you are an undergraduate male. The results will be used to determine evolutionary characteristics of human beings.

Which woman would make a better mate?
A. secretary with small boobs
B. high powered CEO with jugs that are naturally bigger than Pamela Anderson Lee
C. porn star with fake boobs

Which woman would make a better mate?
A. secretary who may put out some when married because she is tired from working all day
B. high powered CEO who will get buck wild on command and let you slip it in from behind
C. porn star who may put out some when married because she is tired from working all day

What do you like best about porn stars?
A. risk of HIV infection
B. seeing her on-screen with other dudes
C. silicon

What do you like best about high-powered CEOs?
A. they make obscene amounts of cash
B. they have to work so hard that they only have time for one man, and may have been so career-driven up to this point that they are still virgins, dude
C. ugly chicks don’t tend to get ahead

What do you like best about secretaries?
A. some did not graduate from high school
B. makes coffee
C. may not make enough money to go to the gym, buy make-up, or pay for your beer

Which woman would make a better mate?
A. secretary
B. high powered CEO
C. porn star

—

Research note: Only the final question will be used in our research study– the rest can be disregarded. This study will conclusively determine the evolutionary characteristics of the species.

Maureen Dowd wrote an op-ed in the Washington Post about a study done at the University of Michigan that suggests men want to marry women who are less powerful than they are– in essence, men want to marry the nanny or the secretary. It’s a study that has been published in a journal of evolution and I just heard it on NPR, so it’s getting a lot of attention.

Whoa! A study using college undergraduates? Um, these “scientists” are aware that college males’ mate selection often boils down the drunkest girl left at the party at the end of the night, right? Of course college boys don’t want to marry CEOs. College boys can’t even begin to identify with women, much less successful, motivated women. It’s hard to blame them, too; why would you identify yourself as someone who wants certain characteristics in a mate when you can’t imagine that anyone with those characteristics could possibly ever want you?

Are you seriously going to base a discussion on what “men” want by looking at undergraduate males? And MAUREEN FUCKING DOWD, who I think is awesome, is giving creedence to this line of thought? Look, if you were to survey a healthy cross-section of men from a number of age groups, demographics, and cultures, and you had the same findings (and would that suprise me?– no), then Maureen Dowd should write about it and it should be on “On Point.”

But people, this was a study that looked at 120 college boys. I call that a frat party, not a serious research study. BOO, American media, for reporting this kind of crap.

I’ve stayed pretty quiet with the political linky-linky since the election, but there are some good post-election sites out there that I want to share.

Turn Your Back on Bush :: Snarky!
Pretzels for the Prez :: Sadistic!
Drinking Liberally :: Delicious!

So, I’m listening to NPR after work, as I am often wont to do, and I’m hearing some fella from a Washington Military Thinktank talk about how the DOD had prepared for a war against a nation’s standing army, and that is not what we’re fighting in Iraq. So a lot of the technology and the simulations they had prepared were moot when fighting an insurgency. And he mentioned that one key thing missing was the ability to speak the language.

That’s when it hit me: the next step for the U.S. Army is to work on translation software and extremely portable hardware. I’m not talking about translating messages or intel, I’m talking some serious Star Trek shit. I’m talking about earpieces that can pick up what’s being said and translate it directly into your ear.

Now, see, if there’s some cheap-ass (read: free) translation software that can help Scott say “rimjob” to his computer, then damn, the military ought to be able to do this. And I know that the military’s budget isn’t unlimited, but let’s look at why. In the past, the military has wanted to build guns, planes, body armor, that kind of shit. But who funds the military? Congress, man, Congress. A bunch of old white guys that aren’t going to have to fight in the next war. So they want to maintain American security, but they aren’t really all that interested in funding planes they can’t fly, guns they can’t fire, and flak jackets that they won’t wear because a) they have a guy to jump in front of bullets for them, or b) the bulk underneath their jackets might be mistaken for a direct line to Karl Rove.

But a universal language translator, man, Congress could use that. The most obvious application would be to program Republicanese and Democratese, the languages of spin, into them, and then each party would understand what the other’s bullshit really means. Imagine that these guys could be on the Senate floor, blubbering away, and the C-SPAN watchers would not see a perceptible difference, but the opposition party would be hearing, “I’m insecure, I have a small dick, and I don’t want to go back to being a lawyer, so I’m voting for this shit because I want to be re-elected by the dipshits in my home state. But vote for my energy bill and fuck it, I won’t carry on about this abortion shit.”

I’m just not really convinced that intelligent, honest discourse would be much of an incentive for those guys to fund the translation equipment, though, so I came up with a better one: miles and miles of PUSSY! Whole continents of it! Imagine, Congressman, your next fact-finding trip could take you to Malaysia, where you could lose the press,find a brothel, and negotiate the price of that 14-year-old tart down to roughly 32 cents American. Protection details might score some tail for the President, but not for you, Congressman. So, if you can speak and understand the language, I’m sure you’ll bag the exotic ladies; hey, you may even score some hash on your next trip to Singapore. And even your wife knows, what happens in Singapore stays in Singapore.

A universal translator would also help you understand that last ODB lyric that stumped you.

One part military-industrial complex, one part Viagra-fueled whore binges… I smell legislation!

Here’s an exceedingly depressing thought: I’ve been buying Republican!

It’s a pretty well-established practice for a company to buy another company largely for the name. Let’s take for example the recent “merger” between First Union and Wachovia. First Union gets burned by some shady lending practices, the image is tarnished a little, and FAPPO!– the merger happens, First Union is gone, and the well-respected Wachovia remains.

This wonderful merger has led to a corner in Chapel Hill where a Wachovia branch sits directly across the street from a Wachovia branch. I like to imagine that they will one day war– all of the pirates go to one Wachovia, all of the rest os us go to the other one, and the average joe’s Wachovia will be boarded violently and unexpectedly by the pirate Wachovia.

But, pirate fantasties aside, I think that our foreign policy team in Washington needs to look into this strategy. We’ve made a miserable mess of things in the Middle East and bungled the Iraq situation so badly that terrorists could recruit Mickey Mouse if they wanted to. Kids in schools are growing up learning to hate America, even though they could not necessarily find it on a map. American troupes are an unwelcome sight.

Why don’t we just buy some small country that hasn’t offended anyone and take their name? I’m going to vote for Iceland. Iceland offends no one, it’s been the home to one of the most successful winter Olympics in years, it’s main export is Bjork, and it may or may not be made out of actual ice. No one hates Iceland; some people don’t know it’s there.

My original proposal was that maybe we could buy Canada, because along with the name we might get the national health care. But we’d also get Quebec, which I don’t think we really want, and Celine Dion. There’s no Icelandic Celene Dion.

The effects of a name change would be immediate and sweeping. Expect celebrations from Muslim extremists, who would be thrilled at the thought that all American troops were out of the middle east. (Ignore the thousands of Icelandic troops now stationed in your country, please. Iceland offends no one.)

A generation raised to believe that Americans are evil would be left without an enemy. It would be some serious work to re-educate all of them to think that Icelanders (Icelandics?) are evil. You have to collect all the old textbooks, print up new ones, and get them out to schools, and the kids are probably still going to be saying “Americans are evil” for a couple years out of habit. Do you think that anyone wants to put forth that kind of effort? Probably not– textbooks are expensive!

Recruiting terrorists would be more difficult if we took Iceland’s name, too. In addition to the fact that Iceland offends no one, you’d have a really hard time convincing people to join your cell and go to Iceland to await orders for terrorist activities. They’d think they were being punished. “Listen to the name of the place,” they would say. “I don’t want to go there. It sounds too cold. Send me someplace more temperate. I’d like to bomb Aruba, please.”

The people of Iceland would benefit, too. I’m not sure how just yet, but I’m reasonably sure that being on the U.N. Security Council would be worth something. Oh, and they could visit Nebraska without a passport. Mmmm, Nebraska.

So, I’m starting a fund for us to buy Iceland. I’ve got $75 in there, and I figure if you guys chip in another 140 bucks or so, we’d have a pretty good downpayment. Let’s hope Bjork doesn’t have a hit single between now and then. That would probably drive the price up.

I don’t usually link to Daily Kos, because hell, he’s the blog posterboy for the left, and I think a lot of his support comes from the same arrogant, thoughtless liberal zealots, whose right-leanning counterparts I denounce so frequently. But Wade sent me a link to this article (written not by Kos, but by Pericles), and it’s absolutely fantastic. Read. Read. Read. How and Why bin Laden Will Strike Again?

Rush Limbaugh quote-from Nov. 3, 1988:

“And now the liberals want to stop President Reagan from selling chemical warfare agents and military equipment to Saddam Hussein, and why? Because Saddam ‘allegedly’ gassed a few Kurds in his own country. Mark my words. All of this talk of Saddam Hussein being a ‘war criminal’ or ‘committing crimes against humanity’ is the same old thing. LIBERAL HATE SPEECH! And speaking of poison gas . . .

I SAY WE ROUND UP ALL THE DRUG ADDICTS AND GAS THEM TOO!”

Dear Black People,

We don’t really hate you. Sure, we fought long and hard to keep you segregated, and sure, we used to lynch you. But we had to come out against the recent ballot measure that would have removed racist and segregationist language from our state constitution, which looks now like it will be voted down. It’s not because we aren’t offended by the language– it would be politically wrong of us to say that we aren’t. No sir, it’s because if we vote to remove that language, the devil will use it to gain a foothold! If we remove that language, we’ll open ourselves up to all kinds of new taxes! (Never mind that we’re the leaders who would have to propose and pass the new taxes.)

Now, surely you can’t be mad at us, black people, because loving economic freedom and religious flexibility puts us in a position where we have to continue to appear to hate you. I think we can all agree that if we truly hated you, we’d open up the possibility that you could be taxed more, and we’d open up the possibilities that someone, somewhere down the road might remove some of the protections for private Christian schools.

We hope you’ll vote for us again in the future, even though it really, really looks like we detest you on the basis of your skin color.

Love,
A Healthy Smattering of Your State’s Politicians

We don’t really hate you. Sure, we fought long and hard to keep you segregated, and sure, we used to lynch you. But we had to come out against the recent ballot measure that would have removed racist and segregationist language from our state constitution, which looks now like it will be voted down. It’s not because we aren’t offended by the language– it would be pretty morally ambiguous of us to say that we aren’t. No sir, it’s because if we vote to remove that language, the devil will use it to gain a foothold! If we remove that language, we’ll lose protections for our Christian schools! Never mind that we right-wing Christians have a strong base needed to elect the leaders who would have to support legislation that shifted support away from these private schools back to the woefully-funded private schools.

Now, surely you can’t be mad at us, black people, because loving Jesus puts us in a position where we have to continue to appear to hate you. I think we can all agree that if we truly hated you, we’d support an amendment that opens the possibility that you could be taxed more.

We hope you’ll continue to praise Jesus and support Christian causes, even though it really, really looks like lots of us Christians detest you on the basis of your skin color.

Love,
The Christian Right

I worry that it was my wife who sent me this link…

http://www.marryanamerican.ca/

If there were an EU-quivalent, I would be worried that she would be headed for some divorce papers…

I’ve been purposely quiet since the election, because no one wanted to hear any more about it, and because I was processing it all. So maybe I can get all the thoughts out there, and then be done with it. Because this election is over and done, and if you are holding out hope for a miracle in Ohio, it’s not going to happen.

The American people have spoken. A lot of us out there thought that high turnout would favor the Democrats and that Kerry might even win in a landslide because Bush has bungled it so badly. A lot of us started to use terms like “us” and “them.”

But the fact, however sad, is that the majority of Americans prefer George Bush to John Kerry, and by extension, prefer to be governed the way that Bush governs us. The majority of Americans may not be in favor of the war in Iraq, of our newfound imperialist tendencies, of a poor economy, of high oil prices, of terrorists keeping their best boogeyman and recruiting tool, of banning gay marriage, of being lied to by our government, of giving up some of their civil liberties in the name of safety, or of any of the other things that Bush will attempt in his second term, but the majority of Americans valued at least one of these issues strongly enough to take the whole package.

I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. And I have thought a lot in the last few days that I should just run for office. Because I don’t believe that I am that far off from a lot of Americans. And we’ve always been told that if we don’t like the way things are, we should either vote or run for office and change things.

But the truth is, it doesn’t work that way. I voted. A lot of us voted. And the views that a lot of us share were rejected by a narrow margin. I am in the minority in this country, at least right now, so running for office isn’t the catch-all solution. Because we just had a guy who, however much of a douche he was, stood for a lot of the things I stand for, and the American people didn’t want him. Why would they want me?

So I could whine about how unjust things are, or I could focus on some small aspect of the election and claim that Karl Rove had votes on the electronic machines or that Donald Rumsfeld killed and ate 450,000 black voters in Ohio who would have voted for Kerry had Rumsfeld not cooked them in a stew. But that doesn’t help. It’s not a constructive dialogue.

I’ve made a choice about what I am going to do in the next four years to help prevent this from happening again. I’m going to educate. I’m going to continue to work towards giving people all over the state– and maybe soon, all over the country– a chance to become better thinkers. I’m going to work tirelessly to create opportunities for all kids. I want them to have the chance to better themselves, to become more discerning citizens, to explore the world around them and react critically.

Does this mean that they’ll think like I do? Nope. In fact, a lot of them will side with the majority. But if a well-educated majority in this country makes an informed decision, I have no choice but to honor that. I don’t want to move to Canada or Australia, I don’t want to spend years feeling bitter and helpless and disillusioned about America, which is a concept that can work, despite all its flaws.

And hey, I may still run for office. Wade picked up 15% of the vote in his district, despite the fact that he affiliated himself with a party that’s kind of a joke and couldn’t win its way out of a paper bag. I’d at least line up with the Democrats.

Truth, where were you? Justice, what happened?

American Way, bah. I still want very badly to believe in you, but this is almost too much.

I have to thank Anthony for sending me this link: Tucker Carlson Schooled Again, This Time by a Puppet. Man, that kid is a douche!

David Barger and Ayse Erginer’s pumpkin this year. Awesome!

So that’s done. I bet if you guess real hard, you can guess who we voted for.

Left house at 8 AM. Returned home at 11 PM. Pretty good day.

Listened to a lot of debate on NPR as I drove the white state car to Gastonia, and while I’m amazed at some of the stupid crap that gets said during the heat of the political season, I did hear some well-reasoned stuff from the Bush campaign, which made me happy. I don’t support them, and I won’t vote for them, but it’s really nice to know that at least someone on the Bush campaign team can speak in terms that aren’t infuriatingly vague.

Sadly, the man who made the comments is on loan to the campaign from a think tank, and is not actually involved in our government in any way. But maybe if Bush wins, he will be. I’d like that. I’ll be really, outrageously, tremendously upset if Kerry loses next Tuesday, but I will take solace that someone who can speak intelligently on national security issues without resorting to fear tactics may actually get a job with our government.

Wow, the small victories I have been reduced to. I need to e-mail MoveOn immediately and volunteer to do more.

• Enjoy the Draft
  Bush Relatives for Kerry

• Tampa Tribune Fails to Endorse Bush
• The Chinese Have bin Laden and He’ll Be in American Custody Just in Time to Seal the Election for Bush
• If Bush is Not God, Don’t Tell Him
• Polls Will Tell You Who Wins, and It’s Not You, American Public

Since returning from Spain, Ladybug and I have been consuming a lot of media. Movies, music, some TV, magazines– why, we’re a crazy pair.

The most noteworthy media event we’ve been party to since our return was the Jon Stewart interview on Crossfire. If you have not yet seen this bad boy, you should BitTorrent it imediately and watch. And make some of your own decisions.

Because, if you don’t, someone is going to tell you what you should think about it. And, lest you fall prey to some less-informed source of criticism than this blog, I’ll be glad to do so in the following few paragraphs. If you’re sick of amateur media criticism, and there’s been plenty in the last few days, stop reading now.

The low-down: Jon Stewart goes on Crossfire and tells them that they consistently fail the American public by not raising the discourse beyond shouting the parties’ talking points. Tucker Carlson immediately tries to take Stewart to task for not being tough enough on politicians, neglecting the fact that Stewart had just recently taken on Rudy Giuliani to challenge the Republican spin machine (not on his own show). Why was Carlson upset? Stewart got John Kerry on the Daily Show and lobbed him softballs.

I’m a little outraged that Carlson could not look past Stewart’s very valid point that he works for a fake news show, whereas Crossfire is on the network that is touting itself as the #1 election station for undecided voters. I’m even more outraged that Carlson could only focus on Stewart’s failure to ask tough questions in one instance– when he had John Kerry on the show, a major coup for a comedy show on a cable network, don’t you think? Carlson regularly has Republican cronies on the show and fails to challenge the simple talking points.

(And, in Stewart’s defense, I find it hard to believe that Stewart was given any of Kerry’s talking points to stick to, since Kerry was such an utter, lifeless bomb on The Daily Show.)

Stewart’s appearance didn’t just challenge Carlson, though Carlson seemed most vehemently offended. He challenged the entire format of the Crossfire show; in fact, he challenged all of CNN. And his challenge was a valid one– he was (earnestly, if you ask me, very earnestly) pleading for the network to do a better job at informing the American public. He was asking them not to soin endlessly but open up a valid and thorough discussion of the issues that matter. What’s wrong with that? Beyond the fact that it doesn’t sell? I don’t see any problem with truth.

And I don’t believe I take a partisan standpoint here. Informing the public more thoroughly might swing the election in Bush’s favor, even though I support Kerry. And you know what? If an informed, educated American public chooses Bush by a majority of the votes, I can live with that. Because that would be a democracy that serves the people, not a bruised system that politicians can manipulate and that the media willingly cowtows to.

Since the appearance, I have been reading in a lot of media outlets that there’s some serious Stewart backlash. Really? I’m sure that CNN is no fan, and maybe some other media outlets aren’t racing to have him on the show, but is the public outraged that Stewart went onto Crossfire and begged its hosts to serve us better? Because I have yet to meet that public. I have not talked to anyone who wasn’t buoyed by Stewart’s appearance, and have seen three or four negative posts on discussion boards amid a sea of approval for Jon Stewart.

I think Stewart himself might think it crushingly depressing that one of the most public crusaders for media vigilance and integrity in America right now is on a show that follows puppets making crank phone calls.

Seriously, even if you support the Evil Empire, you should get out and vote. It’s your civic duty. Of course, if you support the Evil Empire, you probably aren’t spending a whole lot of time in this blog.

Dear MoveOn member,

Here’s one of the most powerful things you can do to win this election:

  Vote by Mail.

In an election where a handful of votes could make all the difference, voting by mail is the single best way to make sure your vote is counted. All you need to do is request an absentee ballot, and when it comes in the mail, fill it out and send it back. To order your ballot right now, click below for a county by county listing of election officials to contact:

  http://www.sboe.state.nc.us/about/directors.asp

Think voting by mail sounds kind of “ho-hum”? Think again:

• If you’re concerned about touch-screen voting, voting by mail
  ensures that your ballot won’t be lost on a computer, because
  you’re putting it down on paper.

• Voting by mail frees up your time on Election Day. If anything
  comes up on November 2nd — like sick kids, car trouble, or an
  intense workload — it can’t keep you from voting.

• You can use that precious time on November 2nd to multiply your
  impact, by helping other voters get to the polls.

• Mailed-in ballots are a huge asset for your candidates. They’re
  often counted ahead of time, and it helps to start the day with
  thousands of votes “in the bank.”

• Millions of new voters have registered this year, and some officials
  are already overwhelmed. Voting by mail will help minimize the
  bottleneck on Election Day, and keep you from being caught in long
  lines at the polls or other snafus.

  http://www.sboe.state.nc.us/about/directors.asp

Be sure to sign and date the form before you mail it in.

Then watch for your absentee ballot, which should arrive in the mail
shortly. If it doesn’t, don’t worry, you can still vote the usual way on
November 2nd.

The 2000 election was decided by just 537 votes in Florida and just 366
in New Mexico. We’ve got to take every possible step to bank our votes
this year.

Voting by mail will play a huge role in this election. According to yesterday’s Washington Post, “absentee ballots are expected to account for as much as 20 percent of Florida votes, rising to an estimated 50 percent in New Mexico and Colorado and 70 percent in Washington state.”

Get your mail-in absentee ballot today.

Thank you for your commitment to democracy.

Sincerely,

- Carrie, Joan, Lee, Marika, Noah, Peter, and Wes
  The MoveOn.org Team
  October 13th, 2004

P.S.: In North Carolina, there are no eligibility rules for voting by mail — we checked. All you have to do is ask for a ballot. Do it today.

P.P.S.: If you have any questions, you can find your Secretary of State’s office online at:

http://www.sboe.state.nc.us/

Or try reaching their office by phone, at:

919-733-7173