Readers, I cannot claim to have stared into hell, nor can I claim to have looked in the Devil’s eyes, but I do believe that the woman on Ladybug’s pilates DVD, the one repeatedly saying “and dowwwn, and dowwwn,” might be the voice of Hell itself.

Let me tell you this, too, while we’re talking hell: I hope the next time I have a bacterial infection, that bacteria’s got Paradise Lost written all over it.

I am low, friends, low. Someone send me a wicked poem, or link me to one. Otherwise, I will be listening to Mazzy Star. Furreals.