Some things make me want to shoot myself in the face. I seriously have doubts about why I bother living in this world sometimes. Our government is a mess, and the President seems to acknowledge that he’s a buffon (wmv link) but still insists on being “The Decider.” People are sometimes so crazy that they lead me to side with Sean Hannity. (OR, for that matter, Sean Hannity is on the air.) Our economy seems to be built around the notion that screwing the other guy is the best way to go, and if we can screw the environment hard to make a buck at the same time, that’s even better. Durham will probably be coastfront property in the next few decades. Being socially responsible in any way is a cute diversion.

And yet people are constantly telling me that I should have kids. Kids? Fuck, man, I don’t even know if I want to stick around this world, much less bring another life into it.

I am a real dick sometimes, I know this. I’ve come to accept that I’m not the finest person on the face of the Earth, regardless of what my cats think. But I do know that, a lot of days, when I get up in the morning, I think to myself that I might actually get something good accomplished– I might actually be doing work that makes young minds engage their world more actively, or I might be teaching someone to bring a little more laughter and positivity into the world through comedy, or that my art might somehow elevate the human condition in some small way.

Then, sometimes, by the afternoon, I realize that’s a real crock. A total illusion. Whatever I’m doing, it’s not making a difference. Not really.

Still, I’ll get up tomorrow, and I’ll think to myself, “OK, can I try something different today to make the world around me a little bit better?” And maybe by tomorrow I won’t feel like the whole effort was wasted, or that the world is worth giving up on.

If you’re one of the people that I asked to shoot me on Saturday night, please know that I meant every word of it. I’m better now.

File this entry under: Things that will keep me from being elected to political office, ever.