So, I’m listening to NPR after work, as I am often wont to do, and I’m hearing some fella from a Washington Military Thinktank talk about how the DOD had prepared for a war against a nation’s standing army, and that is not what we’re fighting in Iraq. So a lot of the technology and the simulations they had prepared were moot when fighting an insurgency. And he mentioned that one key thing missing was the ability to speak the language.

That’s when it hit me: the next step for the U.S. Army is to work on translation software and extremely portable hardware. I’m not talking about translating messages or intel, I’m talking some serious Star Trek shit. I’m talking about earpieces that can pick up what’s being said and translate it directly into your ear.

Now, see, if there’s some cheap-ass (read: free) translation software that can help Scott say “rimjob” to his computer, then damn, the military ought to be able to do this. And I know that the military’s budget isn’t unlimited, but let’s look at why. In the past, the military has wanted to build guns, planes, body armor, that kind of shit. But who funds the military? Congress, man, Congress. A bunch of old white guys that aren’t going to have to fight in the next war. So they want to maintain American security, but they aren’t really all that interested in funding planes they can’t fly, guns they can’t fire, and flak jackets that they won’t wear because a) they have a guy to jump in front of bullets for them, or b) the bulk underneath their jackets might be mistaken for a direct line to Karl Rove.

But a universal language translator, man, Congress could use that. The most obvious application would be to program Republicanese and Democratese, the languages of spin, into them, and then each party would understand what the other’s bullshit really means. Imagine that these guys could be on the Senate floor, blubbering away, and the C-SPAN watchers would not see a perceptible difference, but the opposition party would be hearing, “I’m insecure, I have a small dick, and I don’t want to go back to being a lawyer, so I’m voting for this shit because I want to be re-elected by the dipshits in my home state. But vote for my energy bill and fuck it, I won’t carry on about this abortion shit.”

I’m just not really convinced that intelligent, honest discourse would be much of an incentive for those guys to fund the translation equipment, though, so I came up with a better one: miles and miles of PUSSY! Whole continents of it! Imagine, Congressman, your next fact-finding trip could take you to Malaysia, where you could lose the press,find a brothel, and negotiate the price of that 14-year-old tart down to roughly 32 cents American. Protection details might score some tail for the President, but not for you, Congressman. So, if you can speak and understand the language, I’m sure you’ll bag the exotic ladies; hey, you may even score some hash on your next trip to Singapore. And even your wife knows, what happens in Singapore stays in Singapore.

A universal translator would also help you understand that last ODB lyric that stumped you.

One part military-industrial complex, one part Viagra-fueled whore binges… I smell legislation!